October 14, 2010

Falling leaves!!

It was the first autumn rain and it was my first autumn in a land away from home. I was staying in this place for almost less than a year but I still couldn’t experience the warmth of home that gives you that fuzzy feeling of happiness and love flowing around you.,in fact the only place in the whole wide world that gives me a feeling like that is being with mom dad in my hometown of Shimla.Its the only place that I get and find my Solace:)
Well ,as I see outside my window I see the first autumn rain enjoying all the colors of the leaves ….i feel even god is so happy on his creations that he cannot but shed tears of joy!!There’s this one Maple tree outside that has caught my attention……its leaves have turned yellow,…….there are some leaves on the ground blown and broken by the wind and being swept away by the rain in to the main water line………each fallen leaf follows the other in a certain pattern as if they all want to be together and not one leaf wants to be alone!!Some leaves are still fighting the rain and wind to keep hanging to the tree…
Each broken leaf reminds me of good and some bad memories of my past 30 years …….the tree symbolizes me and and the leaves the people in my life I have met known and unknown!! And like the leaves the people in my life also changed colors sometimes for the good and sometimes ugly…..well today particularly I want to infact I feel like writing /remembering of a day in my life when I had my first break up.
What made me write it today was that the rain today made me felt the same that I felt that day…………….it was raining heavily very heavily.
Well before I write about that day…it is very important to mention here that what I thought of “LOVE” at that time of my life….well ahem …ahem…the meaning of this word has changed for me over the years …well I believe it does for everyoneJ…so I was talking of love...at that time well I had fallen in love for the first time in my life and and for me it meant that this person was the center of my thoughts my dreams my activities worked around him,my talks were about him !! I actually thought that it was meant forever……(thank god it wasn’t),I was childlike in love…..it was like dream!!
Ok so I go back to that day again….so I agreed to go with him for the walk ,how romantic I thought it would be to walk in the rain on the road outside our college ,and madly in love that I was with him I bunked my “human resources” class to just be with him…..!! he said “I love you” and I can never ever explain the feeling that these three words give you when you are in love……I was happy…we kept walking ,the rain had started to fall heavily and both of us were walking hand in hand, we reached an old shack where we used to sit for tea…and there I see a girl …..sitting all by herself and shivering in the cold!! I had always liked this girl ,she was beautiful ,but why was she not in the class and why was she alone sitting here in the shack!! Well we sat with her and started talking when he said to her, holding her hands “hey your hands are cold ……” I was pleased to see his concern but him holding her hands was not something I was expecting…..!! He said looking at me “ I can no longer be with you ,im marrying this girl”……
Something was breaking inside, I cpould feel the leaf changing the color and being blown by the rain and wind that was lashing inside me……I thought is this the autumn of my love …I had not expected this!! I asked him how it was possible what about love what about our love…..looking him in to his eyes searching for an answer ……my heart could not gather enough to sustain the wind and the rain inside of me and tears started rolling ffom my eyes………….and there was stillness in the air nothing seemed to be moving everything stood still except the storm in my heart I could hear my heart beating so fast it could break the record of any of the strongest of earthquakes!!
He said I have always loved this girl, but we wanted to go out and experience it with other people and still see if our love was true!!
What??????????I said ,I ran outside……..my tears couldn’t stop rolling,I wanted to act strong but I wasn’t , the rain fell on my face and wiped each of my tears along ……..he came and said to me” you are a wonderful person,you will meet many people ,you deserve someone better ( oh yes sure I do …..!! now I think) but back then I was in love,what about me,what about my dreams!! Everything was breaking down like a sand castle…..my heart hurt ….it did!! I cried out loud…..!! and I left both of them that day in the rain .
I learnt that day that people can rob you of your innocence, but I also thank the both of them cos in life these lessons learnt make you a stronger person in mind and help you know not only what you need in life but also what you don’t need in life!!
Today when I look back to those times I can not be more thankful to god but totally changed my perception of people and also of Love! Today im happy in love and lifeJ

to be continued.....................

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